Giving up alcohol can be a challenge even in the best of circumstances. If you’re try to quit drinking when your partner still drinks, it can turn into a roadblock that derails your goals. But only if you let it.
As someone who quit drinking while my husband still drank, I’m not gonna lie and say it was easy. In fact, I postponed my sobriety journey until he felt ready to quit with me, because I didn’t believe I could do it on my own.
I reached a point where I wanted it for myself badly enough that I didn’t want to wait for him anymore.
Let me tell you… it was hard in the beginning. Harder because he was still drinking. But long term, I think the main reason I stayed sober was because I did it on my own.
If we had quit together, and then he’d gone back to drinking, I would have given up too.
But because I had my own reasons and I was self-reliant, I was able to stick with it long term.
Reframe the way you think about this. You’re more likely to succeed long term if you quit drinking on your own terms, even if your partner still drinks.
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Focus on Yourself
The only reason someone questions or changes their relationship with alcohol is because it’s something they want to do for themselves. You can’t make someone else want this change too.
You’re doing it for YOU, so focus on that.
To be successful, especially in the beginning, do your best to separate yourself from what your partner is doing. Know, going into your alcohol-free journey, that you’ll face this particular challenge, and you’ll overcome it anyway.
Think about why you’re going to quit drinking, and have a plan for sticking with it when your partner drinks.
For more tools that can help you stay motivated and change your mindset about alcohol, check out this post on setting yourself up for success when you take a break from alcohol.
Let Go of Your Expectations for Their Drinking
Again, you can’t control someone else’s relationship with alcohol.
You may have hopes for them changing their habits, or cutting back their drinking. But if you go into it with expectations that they’ll change because you are changing, you’ll both end up disappointed.
When I was drinking, I assumed alcohol was the pinnacle of fun, relaxation, and coping with difficult emotions. If anyone had suggested that I drink less, or that it was actually making it harder for me to relax and cope, I’d completely ignore them.
Assume that your partner will feel the same.
They will have a big adjustment with your sobriety as well. If they’re not already on board with giving it up, expect them to be extra resistant to your efforts to get them to quit or cut back. Do both of you a favor, and don’t try.
Communicate & Be Vulnerable
Have a conversation (or several) with your partner when neither of you are drinking.
Talk to them about why you want to quit or take a break. Explain how you’ve been feeling, and what you hope to gain from it.
Let them know what you think will be the most challenging parts for you, whether it be getting through a difficult work day, dealing with stressful parenting, or going to a restaurant or social event.
It’s also important to check in with each other regularly once you’ve quit.
When you start to feel amazing, don’t be afraid to sugar coat it. Just preface by saying you’re not trying to convince them of anything. You’re just excited about how you’re feeling, and they are your person that you talk to about these things.
Give them space to share how they’re feeling. It will probably be really difficult for your partner to lose their drinking buddy.
So many activities revolve around drinking: vacations, celebrations, anniversary dinners, cooking, watching sports. It’s probably wrapped very firmly around your routines, and maybe even your identity as a couple.
It will be an adjustment for both of you – especially if you’re not sure whether you’ll be giving up alcohol forever or just taking a break. You’ll be figuring that out as you go along, and they’ll have stuff to figure out for themselves too.
Lastly, talk to your partner about what compromises they’re willing to make to help you.
Here’s a few big ways my husband helped me, that may also work for you:
1. He only drank IPAs for the first few months, which I hate.
Wine was my go-to drink most days. If there had been wine in the house in the beginning, I probably would have caved pretty easily.
But now he mainly sticks to buying alcohol that I wouldn’t be tempted to drink.
See if your partner is willing to go without your favorite or most tempting types of alcohol in the house.
2. He stopped offering me alcoholic drinks.
My husband is the most polite person I’ve ever met. If he is getting himself a drink or a snack, he will always offer to grab me one too. In the past, if he offered me a drink, I’d always say yes. He had a hard time breaking that habit.
We compromised by finding fun non-alcoholic drinks for me, so he still had something to offer.
3. He was ok being anti-social for a few months.
It’s hard to socialize when you’re newly sober. It’s so much easier to just stay home in your bubble of self-care, sober podcasts, and NA drinks. Avoiding social situations really helped me in the beginning, and he was ok to miss out on the fun too.
4. He listened to my emotional ramblings.
When you first stop drinking, you find yourself without an emotional crutch you’ve been dependent on. Your emotions will be all over the place. You’ll get irritable and angry easily.
Any past trauma, resentments and negative emotions that you’ve been suppressing will come roaring to the surface.
Being able to talk to your partner – without focusing any anger at them – can really help you process your feelings, understand their feelings, and bring you closer together.
If that’s not an option, finding someone else you can talk to, or even writing it out in a journal would be helpful.
Set Healthy Boundaries
There is a learning curve to setting boundaries, especially if you’re a people pleaser like me.
When you feel a craving for a drink, check in with yourself. WHY do you crave it now? What triggered you? Can you prevent this scenario from happening again?
There will be times that your partner’s drinking is triggering for you, especially if they cross into tipsy or drunk behavior.
It’s ok to say you need to walk away for a bit. It’s ok to opt out of deep or serious conversations.
You can’t control your partner’s actions, but you can control how you react to them. Learn what you need in those moments to protect your sobriety and your own emotions.
The caveat here is to make sure your boundaries are ONLY for your own sake, and not an attempt to manipulate your partners’ behavior. Don’t give ultimatums.
Romantic Boundaries
The intention behind boundaries are most often blurred when it comes to romantic relationships.
I’m a part of some really supportive online communities of sober women who bravely share their sobriety struggles, especially when they’ve quit drinking while their partner still drinks.
Countless women have shared that any romantic feelings for their spouse is completely turned off when their husband is drinking.
It’s ok to not want to be intimate with your partner when they’ve been drinking.
It’s not ok to use intimacy as a way to control their drinking behavior.
This is one of the most common struggles I see in these groups, and it’s a very thin line when you cross it. Make sure you’re being completely honest with yourself about what you are and aren’t ok with. Communicate that to your partner when they are sober. And be truthful with yourself about why you’re setting a boundary.
Protect Your Sobriety
In the early days when you’ve quit drinking, it’s ok to prioritize your sobriety over everything else.
It’s just a season of life, a short-term adjustment. The farther away you get from your last drink, the less of a pull it will have on you.
Until you get there, do what you need to to get there. It’s ok to prioritize yourself over your relationship. This is why regular communication and openness is so important.
Don’t let their actions or choices trigger your drinking. Have a coping plan in place. Give yourself and your partner grace while you adjust to your new normal.
Find Community Elsewhere
It’s really hard to quit drinking alone. Loneliness can creep in when you quit drinking, but your partner still drinks.
And it can be really hard to find a sober community – especially if you didn’t feel like alcohol was a problem for you. After all, you don’t need to have a problem with alcohol in order to quit drinking.
I used to think AA was the only sober community out there. I thought you only qualified for sobriety support if you had alcohol use disorder.
That’s not the case at all!
In my first weeks of sobriety, I discovered The Sober Mom Life Podcast. Which led me to the Facebook group. It’s not the only group I’m in, but it’s the most helpful.
I don’t even post in the group, but just reading through the things women are willing to share about their struggles is amazing and so relatable. The truly supportive comments of other women offering forgiveness, encouragement and so much grace gives me the sense of community that supports my sobriety.
But I’m an introvert! So actively participating isn’t something I’ve needed. There are so many options out there, either in person or online – do some research and find one that makes you feel comfortable.
Don’t Make Big Decisions Right Away
Another common struggle shown in sober communities is women questioning their relationship with their partner.
The resounding advice is always to wait at least a year before making any major life changing decisions, either about your life or your relationship. (Assuming you’re in a safe relationship that isn’t abusive or putting you in danger.)
Your first year sober is an emotional rollercoaster. If you quit drinking when your partner still drinks, you will probably find yourself questioning how you can keep up sobriety long term if you’re doing it alone.
You might even question your connection to each other, or wonder what you still have in common.
Sobriety gets easier. Other people, including your partner, will eventually have little to no impact on your ability to live comfortably alcohol free. Let yourself get to that place before you over-analyze your relationship.
And, as was my experience, your relationship might even end up stronger and happier than it was before. Regardless of whether they ever give up drinking.
So give it the time it needs. There’s no need to rush. And again, give yourselves grace. You’re both doing the best you can for the situation that you’re in.
Change Your Mindset About Alcohol
The key to successfully quitting drinking is to reframe your thoughts on what alcohol is, and what it does to your body.
The biggest help in changing my mindset was the book, This Naked Mind. It’s the #1 recommendation I’ve seen anywhere I’ve looked.
When I first quit drinking, the farther along I got in this book, the less I was affected by my partner still drinking. It changed my sobriety mindset. Alcohol was no longer this amazing thing I needed willpower to keep from drinking. It became something harmful and toxic that I wasn’t tempted to drink anymore.
Alcohol culture permeates every part of our society. This book shatters those rose colored glasses, and shines a light on the subliminal messages we’ve been exposed to our whole lives.
Spend time educating yourself, learning about what alcohol really does to our bodies, and keep talking to your partner about all of it.
Your sobriety could end up being the best thing you ever do for your relationship!
For more info on the myriad of ways alcohol affects us, and how it makes motherhood in particular harder, check out this post.
xo Kaylie
